Today was a seriously bad day! Like whoa! Still on an emotional hangover, that traumatized feeling you get after a lot of crying? Know what I am talking about?
Well, I am sure once I get to the point of my story it will seem like a really silly reason to have literally bawled over, but I'll tell you all anyways.
It started off last night...surprise! lady time! iiiifff you know what I mean. So there was issue #1. Cramps galore aaand a glass case of emotion. Great - the night before a midterm. So I woke up, cramping of course, downed some breakfast and ibuprofen and a positive attitude (because it just so happens that my neuroscience midterm today had to do with somatosensation which entails - pain! and one thing highlighted is that pain is something the brain can actually control. you can experience pain when there are no nociceptors {signals that indicate pain} and you can have nociceptors but no pain!). Well anyways I left for school determined not to let the pain get to me because I had to seriously concentrate. Had my first class at 7:30 AM and then went straight to the library to finish studying for my neuro midterm at 3:00 PM.
I studied A LOT! Hours and hours over a few days. Pages of hand written notes, 4 heavily highlighted chapters, a completed study guide, and flash cards. I've always taken school really seriously, but this semester I have literally slaved away. I spend a good 20+ hours at the library a week (on top of class time, internship, and a job). I have NO social life. I have NO time for anything extracurricular (except mindlessly staring at the television for a bit each night to give my brain a rest). While I am around people most of the day I am never really with someone. I live alone, i commute alone, i study at the library alone etc etc oh and just in case you didn't know - my boyfriend lives 600 miles away. While I do love my area of study, and am thoroughly committed to my future career, it is so so hard on me.
BACK to the story. So I was feeling pretty good - not completely comfortable, but pretty good. I even reassured myself that feeling pretty good and not completely good was okay because I tend to over study and then sometimes over think my answers and miss things on tests. So I had one class before my test and my teacher completely confused and overwhelmed me with this project we have due next week - issue #2? I was having him explain something to me after class and suddenly started to tear up...oh no. I left quickly so I could last minute go over some of the answers I prepared for the essay questions (she gives us 10-12 essay questions that she will randomly select for the test)and compose myself. She comes in, I am still feeling pretty good, she hands out the test, i start to panic. I take a quick look at the essay questions - she chose EVERY essay question I struggled with - FUCK! I started to tear up. I decide to start with multiple choice thinking I will feel better about the essay questions...nope.
I have no clue what happened, but I pretty much did not know anything on that exam. I cried silently throughout the entire thing. Guessed on about 3/4 and only answered 1 essay question. I was devastated and didn't know what to do. All I could think to do was write a note to my teacher about what was going on and how much I'd studied (I have an A in the class so she knows I'm a good student). It was beyond embarrassing and disappointing. I went straight home to cry.
My mom says its not the end of the world and that there are worse things that could happen (I know this), but I work myself to the bone to do well in my classes and to work so hard for something and then flop like that...its seriously heart wrenching.
::sigh::
So, while that may have seem insignificant and the least of anyone's worries, it's a big deal to me especially as I have given everything up for school.
My mom told me to write down five things that I am grateful for to cheer myself up and to put things in perspective:
1. My family - so lucky to even have a family
2. My apartment
3. My health
4. My education - even though its the bane
of my existence at the moment
5. My boyfriend - he's a sweetheart
Well...I still feel like crap, but I'll get over it, I just have to muster up the strength to get back into the library and convince myself that I can finish out the semester strong. Fingers crossed.
