Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Holey Moley

Today was a seriously bad day! Like whoa! Still on an emotional hangover, that traumatized feeling you get after a lot of crying? Know what I am talking about?

Well, I am sure once I get to the point of my story it will seem like a really silly reason to have literally bawled over, but I'll tell you all anyways.

It started off last night...surprise! lady time! iiiifff you know what I mean. So there was issue #1. Cramps galore aaand a glass case of emotion. Great - the night before a midterm. So I woke up, cramping of course, downed some breakfast and ibuprofen and a positive attitude (because it just so happens that my neuroscience midterm today had to do with somatosensation which entails - pain! and one thing highlighted is that pain is something the brain can actually control. you can experience pain when there are no nociceptors {signals that indicate pain} and you can have nociceptors but no pain!). Well anyways I left for school determined not to let the pain get to me because I had to seriously concentrate. Had my first class at 7:30 AM and then went straight to the library to finish studying for my neuro midterm at 3:00 PM.

I studied A LOT! Hours and hours over a few days. Pages of hand written notes, 4 heavily highlighted chapters, a completed study guide, and flash cards. I've always taken school really seriously, but this semester I have literally slaved away. I spend a good 20+ hours at the library a week (on top of class time, internship, and a job). I have NO social life. I have NO time for anything extracurricular (except mindlessly staring at the television for a bit each night to give my brain a rest). While I am around people most of the day I am never really with someone. I live alone, i commute alone, i study at the library alone etc etc oh and just in case you didn't know - my boyfriend lives 600 miles away. While I do love my area of study, and am thoroughly committed to my future career, it is so so hard on me.

BACK to the story. So I was feeling pretty good - not completely comfortable, but pretty good. I even reassured myself that feeling pretty good and not completely good was okay because I tend to over study and then sometimes over think my answers and miss things on tests. So I had one class before my test and my teacher completely confused and overwhelmed me with this project we have due next week - issue #2? I was having him explain something to me after class and suddenly started to tear up...oh no. I left quickly so I could last minute go over some of the answers I prepared for the essay questions (she gives us 10-12 essay questions that she will randomly select for the test)and compose myself. She comes in, I am still feeling pretty good, she hands out the test, i start to panic. I take a quick look at the essay questions - she chose EVERY essay question I struggled with - FUCK! I started to tear up. I decide to start with multiple choice thinking I will feel better about the essay questions...nope.

I have no clue what happened, but I pretty much did not know anything on that exam. I cried silently throughout the entire thing. Guessed on about 3/4 and only answered 1 essay question. I was devastated and didn't know what to do. All I could think to do was write a note to my teacher about what was going on and how much I'd studied (I have an A in the class so she knows I'm a good student). It was beyond embarrassing and disappointing. I went straight home to cry.

My mom says its not the end of the world and that there are worse things that could happen (I know this), but I work myself to the bone to do well in my classes and to work so hard for something and then flop like that...its seriously heart wrenching.


So, while that may have seem insignificant and the least of anyone's worries, it's a big deal to me especially as I have given everything up for school.

My mom told me to write down five things that I am grateful for to cheer myself up and to put things in perspective:

1. My family - so lucky to even have a family
2. My apartment
3. My health
4. My education - even though its the bane
of my existence at the moment
5. My boyfriend - he's a sweetheart

Well...I still feel like crap, but I'll get over it, I just have to muster up the strength to get back into the library and convince myself that I can finish out the semester strong. Fingers crossed.


  1. Aw, don't worry sweets, I think most students go through something like this. As you said, you work really hard in school, and one exam won't make or break your career. I do know how frustrating it can be to studystudystudy and then get to the class only to not know anything! Hopefully you guessed well, and don't worry about the crying--I, for one, need to cry! If I don't have a good long cry at least once every couple months as a release, then I pretty much explode I hope your week gets better from here on out!

  2. Aw thank you :) yes it is definitely true that one test isn't the end of the world.

    Oh I am all for crying, it makes me feel so much better. I too also need to have a good cry every so often. It is so embarrassing crying at school though and let me just say it happens too often! it really doesn't take much to start haha.

    Hope all is well with you - oh and remember your recent post about concerns with going back to school? I say do it :) although I'm sure this post wasn't very inspiring to go back lol